Zyprexa is the next medication in the parade and I had hopes for it but it doesn’t seem to be working out. I’ve gained weight, been incredibly over tired and feeling depressed most of the time. I was holding out hope that the third time would be the charm but it doesn’t look like that’s going to be the case.
I've gained almost seven pounds in less than a week because of Zyprexa. When I was on Latuda and had no appetite I barely lost two pounds. I'm on Zyprexa for five days and I've gone from 170 and change to 177 and change. My body really sucks that way - so achingly hard for me to lose weight and so damned easy to gain it.
I'm tired all the time. Over the weekend, when I could sleep as much as my body felt like sleeping, I slept for 12 hours overnight and then needed a three hour nap in the afternoon just to feel like I wasn't falling asleep the rest of the day. And I'm depressed—thinking destructive, useless thoughts.
The weight gain wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so much; I wouldn't mind putting on 10 pounds if that's where it stayed. I'm terrified, however, that it will just be continuous weight gain until I'm well beyond what is healthy for me (I'm already obese according to my body fat percentage). It's frustrating because I want to be able to control myself and not eat until I feel physically ill. I want to not start snacking when my stomach is still bloated from my last meal. But I think about food constantly. I daydream about various snacks and goodies and I can't stop. It's not a matter willpower avoid the temptation of a snack once in a while; it's a battle every minute to not shove food into my stupid, fat face. Every 15 minutes that I go without eating something is a tremendous triumph of my will over my stomach.
Ryan suggested buying healthy food to snack on but that's not what my mind craves. My mind thinks of nothing but salty, fatty foods or rich sweets. I'd almost wonder if I was pregnant with cravings like this but the tests keep coming back negative. Also, I'd been warned that the Zyprexa could cause weight gain, so it pretty much adds up that the culprit is the medication and not some womb-based cause.
The tiredness is something I can't even really wrap my head around. I take my medication earlier in the evening than I originally started to (I was told to take it right at bedtime, now I take it around 7 pm) in the hopes that the sleepiness will wear off by the time I have to go to work, but to no avail. My eyelids are dragging until I manage to get some caffeine in me and even then I'm still tired, just less so.
The depression is probably the worst, though. It makes the gaining weight worse because it makes me hate my body and myself for not having the willpower to do better. It makes me want to curl into bed and indulge my exhaustion because it’s tired of the world and wants me to sleep already. It makes me wonder if I should really be allowed to have children - should someone this unstable really be in charge of a life?
Should I have a child when I'll probably need fertility medications to even be able to have one? Isn't that evolution trying to say that my body is a wreck and I don't need to be passing on my DNA to anyone? Isn't the fact that I'm constantly broke no matter how much money Ryan and I make show that I can't afford to raise a child? Am I responsible enough to bring a life into the world?
These are the kinds of doubts that plague me when I'm depressed. Doubting the very fabric of my life. Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Am I doing the right thing? Or am I making a disaster of my life, again? And having these thoughts is a very heavy load on the shoulders that no one can lighten because it's not something that empathy can cure. Logic doesn't touch it. Love and sympathy mean nothing. Depression drapes over my head and blocks out anything that might try to help.
That won't stop people from trying, of course. People that love and care about you will still try to help because they can't see you depressed and not try. But it doesn't amount to much, at least not while the depression is there. Later you can look back and remember the people that tried to help and thank them but it's useless when depression has its claws sunk into you. People helping just makes it angry, causes you to lash out to try and drive the friends and family away, protecting itself. Depression has a very good self preservation instinct.
I've been on the other side, trying to cheer up someone that is depressed. You try using simple logic, try to explain that the world is not, in fact, ending but is going along quite as usual. That rarely, if ever, works. Depression scoffs at logic and bats it away like a kitten tossing around a ball of string, keeping it from permeating into the brain of the affected person. Cold hard facts may seem irrefutable to a person in a normal state of mind, but they are meaningless to a person steeped in depression.
Then you might try sympathy, commiserating with what the person is going through and how terrible it must be. When you use this tactic on me it causes me to feel guilty for how I'm feeling because I know, consciously, that my life isn't that bad. I'll start getting mad at myself for being such a whiner and an attention whore. I hate feeling like I’m fishing for pity and a part of me knows it’s not really me, it’s the depression. That part is unfortunately very small and weak and the depression looms large and ominous.
Whatever methods you might try to help someone that is depressed are going to be largely fruitless until the depression gets bored and leaves on its own. See, depression saps away the will to care about finding solutions or getting better. When you’re truly depressed it’s almost addicting, the misery. You consciously don’t want to be depressed and miserable but deep down you want to stay miserable. That’s what so dangerous about depression: how hard it is to make yourself want to get rid of it.
I actually started this post a week ago and have been trying to finish it since then with little success up until now (back on Abilify which doesn’t cause depression). Depression leaves you with very little motivation or gumption to get things done. Unlike the manic side of bipolar disorder, which makes me a very busy beaver, depression makes me listless and dull. I’ve felt so boring the past week because I can’t seem to think of anything witty to say or do. I’m worried this post is going to be rather subpar because I’m having such a hard time finding the right words to say. Depression steals my creativity.
I’m back on the Abilify for now so the depression has been lifting a little (just started back on it three days ago). My psychiatrist put me on a slightly lower dose than what caused the akathisia and also prescribed me Cogentin, a medication that is commonly given with anti-psychotics to prevent things like tremors or akathisia. Hopefully it works because at the first sign of uncontrollable restlessness I’m going to stop taking the Abilify and we’ll have to figure something else out.
I’m trying to remain positive about the medication hunt but the depression that is still lingering from the Zyprexa makes that difficult. I think it will be easier to find the right medication combination once I manage to have a child and don’t have to worry about medicines that can’t be taken while pregnant or medicines that decrease fertility. Of course, I have to get pregnant first. One thing at a time, I suppose...
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