My name is Dani. I'm in the very early stages of treatment for bipolar disorder. Just got diagnosed a little over a month ago. And I'm already learning that so much of what I thought about being bipolar or being mentally ill is just...so wrong. And maybe you're wrong, too. Maybe I can help you. That's one of the reasons I'm doing this, to help people understand what it's like to not only be bipolar but to be treated for that disorder. It also helps me to understand what I'm going through by typing it all out - therapeutic and all that.
I'm not going to start with a giant introduction. I think that's too much for a first post. I can't catch you up on my entire life in the first post because not only is that boring for you, it's too much for me to handle on my current meds.
I warn you, the "unfiltered" part of the title means I won't be pulling punches to appeal to any sense of right or wrong, should or should not. There will be coarse language, there will be stuff that is maybe hard to read. It's my unadulterated journey through getting treated for bipolar disorder. Also, this blog in general will have its ups and downs in writing because depending on my medication I have varying levels of energy and enthusiasm. That's another reason you're not getting my whole life story in this post. On my current medication, Latuda, I have very little ambition or drive. I lack "want." People keep asking me what I "want" and I have no answer. But more on that in just a bit - first, a brief backstory just so you're not lost.
I'm 28 (will be 29 in 5 days). I've suffered from depression of varying degrees for a long time but the anxiety didn’t become an issue until about 3 years ago. Since I was 22, I was treated for depression with an SSRI called Zoloft and it helped out a lot. But about 5 years ago I started to experience anxiety on a level I never had in my life and my Zoloft was increased. It helped for a couple of years and then the anxiety was back. I tried a couple of different psychiatrists and they all played with some idea of Zoloft + anti-anxiety meds (not benzos). The combination I was on the longest was Zoloft 100mg daily and Buspar 15mg twice daily. It seemed to work and so I didn't question my psychiatrists.
I did see psychologists. I didn't feel I "needed" to because I felt my problem was chemical and not something I could "talk out". But I wanted to try everything. I learned a few useful tricks for dealing with anxiety but mostly, it was uneventful.
Around April my anxiety really started to take a turn for the worst. Whereas before I would get occasional breakthrough anxiety I was now getting full blow anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. Around the end of May, beginning of June I started to get very depressed again. The smallest thing would send me into a spiral of depression that would affect my entire body. I would get these irrational fits of anger that flared up in an instant and could last a minute or an hour depending on what fed them. During those fits of insane rage I would do things I am not proud of but felt like I couldn’t stop myself doing: screaming obscenities at Ryan, throwing my cat across a room, insulting my roommates, etc. In short, I felt like I had no control over my own body - I was this prisoner who watched as terrible things happened because of my crazy brain.
Sometime this past July I decided to try a new psychiatrist. He didn't ask what meds I was on or what was wrong currently. He wanted to go right to the beginning, pretending I had never seen a psychiatrist before. He wanted to know when my symptoms started, how bad they were, if I had certain other symptoms.
He barraged me with questions for twenty minutes and then he stopped and said, "Okay, I want you to know I know what's wrong with you. I want you to know I'm very sure of this diagnosis - I'm not just telling you this to give you an answer and send you on your way. As sure as I can possibly, reasonably be, I am sure of what I'm going to tell you. And before I tell you, I want you to know it's not that big a deal. It's not something you're going to want to hear, but I promise you we can make it better. You're bipolar."
"You're bipolar." Funny how those words should have sent me reeling but...I wasn't surprised. It made sense. I was barely even phased. "Okay, I'm bipolar," I thought. "Just time to switch to bipolar meds and I'll have this all cleared up."
The doctor said it would take 1-2 years to work out a medication regime and I had to be patient during that time. I inwardly scoffed. "Two years? I'll have this sorted in a month." I was used to antidepressants. I was used to drugs with very few side effects that either worked or they didn't. No half measures. I was an idiot, and this blog should help reveal why.
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