I started on Abilify. It was the drug least likely to make me gain weight and my psychiatrist told me he likes to give the drugs least likely to cause detrimental effects and work from there. I started on a very low dose: 2.5 mg every day. I also was to stop my Zoloft. I was not looking forward to that because, from experience, I knew that stopping Zoloft cold turkey caused unpleasant effects.
For the next week I was dizzy and nauseous a lot which is pretty standard when quitting an SSRI without titrating (that means slowly lowering or increasing your dose) slowly down to nothing. I tried to suck it up without complaining by telling myself "It's just a week or two and then it's over. I'm on the new meds and I'm on the road to being healthy."
Well, the dizziness and nausea did only last about two weeks. By then, I was up to 5 mg on the Abilify every night and I believe it was around then we added Trazodone 50 mg at night to help me sleep. See, before then, I was living on about 2 hours of sleep every night, with the occasional break of 5 hours every third night or so.
Trazodone was a super fun experience, if you find being so physically sleepy you can't keep your eyes open but your mind still doesn't shut off so you're lying there, wide awake, for hours and hours without being able to do anything to entertain you because you're too tired to open your eyes, "fun". Trazodone lasted all of three or four nights before I decided I'd rather just be awake and reading than go through that hell. Luckily, my psych appointments are currently every week, so the next week brought Seroquel 50mg in Trazodone’s place.
Seroquel is usually used as an anti-psychotic but that's not why I was taking it. I needed it because Seroquel makes you sleepy. So, my psychiatrist put me on Seroquel 50 mg at night to help me sleep, and it worked. I was so grateful I could have cried the first night I slept 8 hours. After over 2 weeks of my terrible sleeping schedule (where 5 hours twice a week was a rare joy), I was so happy to be sleeping normal amounts again.
The Abilify was now up to 10mg a day and I was feeling great. I was sleeping (seriously, I can't truly explain what a big deal that was) and the anxiety was going away. The irrational anger that would flare up in a heartbeat over the most minor infraction hadn't shown up in over a week. The depression that left me unable to move or even speak clearly was in hiding. I had some nervous energy, had a hard time focusing on any one thing for too long, but I was sure I was already well on my way to meeting my expected goal of being healthy and normal after a month.
Then the restlessness got worse. I had trouble sitting so I took to pacing around my living room while I waited for my work computer to load programs. My attention span shrunk to the point where I couldn't even watch television or read - I'd find myself fidgeting after just a few minutes and feeling the need to get up and grab a glass of water, then maybe file my nails for a bit, then maybe pick up that bag off the floor I've been meaning to put away and hadn’t gotten around to. And you know, I've been meaning to clear off the coffee table - let me put all this stuff away. And the cat needs to be brushed, I should brush the cat. And I should...I should...well, I'm not sure, but I should keep moving.
Is there something to clean? Is there something to organize? Something to tidy? Something to keep me busy, something to keep my hands moving, my body moving, my brain not thinking because when my brain gets to thinking it remembers it hasn't sat down in a long time but NO! I can't sit down. I have to keep moving, always moving. I have work to do! Pay attention to the work, damn it! But no, I can't stay still - just rush through this so we can move again. Have to keep moving. If I sit, it hurts in my back - all through my back it prickles and it stings and it itches. I can't stand still, that hurts, too. Can't lie down, can't get comfortable. Can't take a nap because I'm just tossing and turning and moving and trying so desperately to just calm down but nothing is working why won't it just STOP?
Then I'm screaming and throwing pillows off the bed, throwing knick knacks off the window sill. I'm screaming and now I'm crying, I'm sobbing because why won't it just stop? Why can't I just for one minute, just one damn minute, why can't I just stop? Every hour is an agony of nothing to do but pace, pace, pace. Time to eat? Oh thank the gods, make that last for as long as we can. But no, can't drag it out because I can't stay still. Sweet, merciful Zeus why can't I stand still long enough to just eat? I'm screaming at my partner, my poor Ryan, demanding he make it stop - make my body just STOP.
My therapist thinks I have a misdiagnosis because my symptoms sound more like someone with ADHD and a severe anxiety disorder, but I have my psychiatrist appointment in just two days. I can wait just two days. I can somehow make it through this minute, this awful, agonizing, terrible minute. Hey! I did it! I made it through and now I just have to make it through this minute, this god forsaken, lonely, despairing minute. And I did it - I can...I can...I CAN'T. I can't make it through this anymore, oh gods it won't stop, why won't it stop, I can't, I can't, I CAN’T.
And this is where having a loving life partner and a best friend come in. This is where you have someone to sit with you as you rage and weep and PACE, always pace. This is where it's so important to have someone to remind you this has to end sometime and they'll help you, they promise they'll help you. And they try, sometimes they even succeed. Tell me a story about your day and that will eat up 15 whole minutes - tell me another story and another, please, to keep the minutes moving.
And then it's my psychiatrist appointment and before I can tell him the half of my symptoms he nods knowingly. "Akathisia," he says. "It can be a side effect of Abilify. We'll stop that immediately."
I wanted to cry. I wasn't crazy, it was just a symptom and now it would go away.
No comments:
Post a Comment