Latuda 20 mg wasn’t enough to help keep my bipolar disorder in check. I was still getting a lot of anxiety and even some depression. However, 20 mg is a low dose for that medication so my psychiatrist upped it to 40 mg (a fairly standard dose). The anxiety was lessened but I was feeling as if I was in a fog. I didn’t feel like me. I felt empty, sort of hollow. I felt like a shell of myself - my body was there but the spark this is “me” felt absent. I had no drive, no desire.
It's hard to describe not having "want." How do you describe the complete absence of motivation? It is apathy in its highest form. I'm not talking about having no energy and being lazy because then you want to stay in bed, you want to veg out on the couch - you still want. I'm talking about not being able to watch television or read a book because I had no desire to follow the stories. I didn't want to lie down, I didn't want to sit up, I didn't want to stand. I didn't want to go for a walk but I didn't want to not go for a walk. I didn't want to go to the beach but I didn't want to not go to the beach.
Poor Ryan kept asking me, "What do you want to do?" And I had to tell him, "I don't know - I don't have 'want' anymore." I lacked desire. For Buddhists, lacking desire is the path to happiness - I call bullshit. Lacking desire means that very little brings me joy. If I don't want to watch television, watching it is not fulfilling. If I don't want to play a video game, forcing myself to play it to pass the time does not make me happy. I even lack the desire for intercourse with my partner, something that is problematic when you're in the early stages of family planning.
Lacking my want means my life feels so empty, so useless. I work 40 hours a week or more and usually I'm doing that work so that when I go home I can unwind, relax, watch a show or read a book and enjoy some time with my partner and my friends. But now, I felt like I existed only to work. My hours after work were not spent enjoying myself, I was not happy to be home. I was not happy at all. I just...existed. I existed with the anxiety that came roaring back from out of the blue. I existed with the stress over money that looms over so many of our lives. I existed with the depression caused by the worry that I might not be able to have children because one of my ovaries doesn't work properly. I seemed to exist with all the negative aspects of life but because I had no desire, no drive, I had nothing to balance it out.
Whatever the Buddhists say, I think desire defines us. What we want, what we strive for are part of what make us who we are. If you want to help others your life is defined by the deeds you do to further that desire. If you want to be healthy, you’ll engage in activities and eat foods that will further your desire. If you want to live a luxurious life, you’ll work hard to get the comforts that will further your desire. Want is everything. We want to to be loved, we want to feel, we want to exist. Lacking want takes all of that away.
The only want I have left to me is the want to not be me. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of being groggy one moment and unbearably anxious the next. I am tired of the side effects of drugs. I am overwhelmed at the sheer number of bipolar medications available - how many will I have to cycle through before I stop feeling like my life is such a chore? It could literally take years. Years of never knowing how I’ll feel from one week to the next. That thought is exhausting to me.
I suppose the one bright light to this side effect of Latuda is that I wasn’t even able to lie to my therapist. She said I didn’t seem like me, that I didn’t have my normal “energy” that identifies me. She was frustrated because I’m doing all the things that are supposed to help these types of symptoms (blogging, yoga, walks, talking with Ryan and various friends and family) and yet I’m still having issues. She was sure the medication was causing it and was vexed that there was nothing she could do for me until I saw my psychiatrist the next day and he could switch me off of it.
He did end up switching my medication. This time it’s Zyprexa. He mused about the possibility of putting me back on Abilify at a lower dosage and a medication that should ward off the akathisia but I was terrified of that notion. Even the idea that the akathisia could come back was enough to fill me with dread. Luckily, he read that on my face and offered the Zyprexa. His only hesitation with the Zyprexa was that it has a higher potential for weight gain but I’d rather be fat than this weird foggy version of myself.
There are other medications he’d love to try out with me because they work so well but they cannot be taken during pregnancy or they decrease fertility. Side note: probably try not to get diagnosed as bipolar right before you decide you want to start a family. Makes everything so much more difficult. Some might suggest I wait, put off having a family until my medications settle down but I just can’t. Once you decide you’re ready for children that’s kind of all you think about. Having to wait another year or even two before I can have a baby is unthinkable. Especially because there’s no telling what pregnancy will do to my body’s chemistry and for all I know I could have to go through the medication trial process all over again.
So, Zyprexa for now. Watching my weight, trying to keep the house free of unhealthy snacks and keep a close eye on the amount of food going into my body. Maybe I’ll have the willpower to avoid weight gain but then again, these medications have shown me that the side effects of anti-psychotics aren’t something to be brushed off lightly. Still, I’d rather be fat than be unhappy.
No comments:
Post a Comment