A Hard Decision

Today I am making one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make by deciding to wait to have a baby until I can get well. It seems like a no brainer, it seems like something that shouldn't even be a question. But for me, who wants a baby so bad it sends me into a depression every time I see a pregnant woman, it is incredibly hard to put this on hold.

My solution is to get tested for my fertility (because I believe that I have fertility issues as we've been trying for months with no luck and my menstrual cycles are irregular) so that I am equipped with that information for when I am ready to have a baby. I will not go back on birth control (as that can take some time to wear off and I don't want to lose precious months), instead we'll use condoms. That way, as soon as my medications are stable and I'm ready to have a child, everything will be in place.

It's not the ideal solution, it's not a solution I love, but I think it's what is going to be best for me and my future child. I can't be a good mom like this. I can’t be nurturing and loving and caring when I can barely stand to be in my own skin. I want my child to feel like he or she is the most loved being in existence and I can’t do that without medication help.

So, I went to a fertility specialist today and we’re going to do some tests (some which I can’t even do until next month) and find out if I’m going to be able to have a baby naturally or if help will be needed. That way, if we need help we know to get it right away because once my medications are stable and I’m ready for children, we’ll have to stop the medications cold turkey because they’re the kind of medications that are very harmful to a developing fetus. Then, once I have given birth I can go back on my (known to be helpful) medication regimen.

Ryan came with me to my psychiatrist appointment so we could discuss our options and my psychiatrist is behind the decision 100%, which helps make it feel like the better option. I think I knew all along when my sister and mother were telling me I should wait that it was the right option and I hated hearing it all the more for that. I don’t want to wait. I want a baby.

But I can’t think just about what I want, I have to think about what is good for Ryan and for future baby and even for me. It’s hard to see it now but having to deal with an infant while trying to figure out bipolar medications would probably send me over the edge - I’m probably saving myself a huge hassle. So, that’s what I’m focusing on. Focusing on doing it to be a better mom and a better partner.

I’ve been started on Lamictal 25 mg today. My psychiatrist has wanted to put me on this medication for a long time but couldn’t because of the negative effects it would have on a fetus. I have high hopes for this medications because in bipolar forums people seem to do well with it. The only downside is that it is a very slow titration process. I have to be on 25 mg for two weeks, then I go up to 50 mg for two weeks, then 100 mg for two weeks until I finally end up with 200 mg as my daily dose. Apparently, there’s a very serious rash (that can turn into a trip to the hospital) that has to be avoided by very slowly introducing the medication into the body.

So, I will take the Lamictal with Latuda 20 mg (because the small dose of Lamictal will not be enough to ward off my bipolar symptoms) and hope that things start to turn around soon. This has been a rough, rocky road and I would really love to get to some stable ground.