My body really does not like Abilify. I’m currently on 5 mg of Abilify once daily down from 7.5 mg down from 10 mg and I’m still experiencing mild akathisia. I still take Cogentin 1 mg twice daily (which is supposed to prevent the akathisia - HA!) and lithium 300 mg has been added. The lithium is a very small dose but my psychiatrist wanted to try just a little to see if it would help with the breakthrough symptoms I’ve been having while on the Abilify. However, since I’m still getting the akathisia (mild though it may be), I might have to push to be on another medication.
I think my next option is to add an anti-depressant with a low dose of one of the anti-psychotics I’ve already tried. I have hopes for that because I know anti-depressants don’t cause the same terrible effects that the anti-psychotic drugs do. Because I’m getting really tired of the side effects of these medications.
I feel like a broken record when I say all this. I know my friends and family want me to look at the bright side of things and not focus on the negative but the problem is that the very nature of these side effects take away my ability to do that. If it was as easy as staying positive and keeping my thoughts full of hope then my life would be a cakewalk and everything would be dandelions and daisies. But my mind can’t get there because my body is fighting me every step of the way. When I say I’m depressed I don’t just mean emotionally - I mean my body’s central nervous system is physically depressed and limiting my ability to act like a normal human being. When I say I’m anxious it’s not just a case of the butterflies, it’s my central nervous system going into overdrive. That “fight or flight” mode can get vicious if left unchecked, which mine is right now.
I’ve been coloring mandalas the past two days and that does seem to calm me down and put me in a more “zen” state of mind. The problem is that it only lasts as long as I can color and my hand starts cramping after more than about 30 minutes. So, I’ve been trying to spread it out and color here and there when I feel particularly lost and restless. I’ve also been knitting a bit but that tends to make me anxious because I get overwhelmed by all the options of things I can knit or crochet and I end up having to give up about 10 minutes in. I’ve also been going on walks with Ryan or even just on the treadmill since that’s supposed to be helpful, too. Haven’t been to yoga in a while because the last time I went to yoga I had a panic attack and had to leave and I’ve been afraid of going back ever since. Leaving in the middle of yoga is embarrassing.
So, I’ve been doing the stuff that my therapist recommends. I’ve been making every effort, I really have. It’s just that with these medications my efforts seem to amount to less than zero. I’m completely at the mercy of my medications and they have not been nice to me so far. I want to be better, I really do. And I’m willing to do what it takes to get healthy except for the one thing that will actually work: stop trying to have a baby and get on medications that will actually help me.
More and more I’m leaning towards putting off having a baby, at least until we can get my medications under control. But I want to wait to talk it over with my psychiatrist and also I want to go to my fertility specialist to see what she has to say about my chances for having a kid. I have to weigh all the options because it’s not an easy decision to make. I want a baby so bad it hurts but I also want to be healthy and happy for my baby. I mean, sure, as soon as I have the baby I can start being treated and should find something that fits me within a few months, but that can be a long time with an infant.
Ugh! There are no easy answers! I get that life is never about the easy answers but things do get complicated when babies and mental illness both come into play.
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