What I Like About Me

My therapist has me making a list of ten things I like about myself. Who knew therapy came with homework? And such difficult homework.

Don't get me wrong, I like things about myself. I don't live in the world of self-hate that I was in as a child - I'm past all that. But to actually make a list to say "These are the things I love about me!" feels very odd. I feel narcissistic when I try to make my list because to say I'm good at something implies to me that I'm saying I'm better than someone else. I don't know if that happens to other people when they try to think of things they like about themselves, but it plagues me to no end.

My therapist loves to say "We should be our own biggest supporters instead of our worst critics." That sounds like a pretty good idea so I'm willing to work on the list, I'm willing to do the homework so I can become a better person. I am overly harsh on myself and I could give you pages of things I don't like about myself so maybe it's time I look at it another way. So, that begs the question: what do I like about me?

I have compassion towards my fellow man. I donate money every month to make sure a little girl in India has everything she needs in life: food, shelter, medication, schooling. I give loans on Kiva to help people better their lives without them feeling like they're just taking a handout. I genuinely care about the people in my life and their concerns and joys. I will do whatever I possibly can to ease someone's pain when life has been hard on them. I like to give random compliments on the street to people because it makes my day if someone tells me how much they like something about me and I want to spread that feeling around. I also love to buy the food of people behind me in drive-thrus; it's never happened to me but I think if I was having a rough day and I get to the window and some stranger already bought my food that it would really help erase my problems just a bit. I try, whenever possible, to avoid buying items that are not fair trade. I'd rather spend $15 on a single pair of underwear that was made by workers getting a real wage and working in good conditions than pay $15 for five pairs of underwear made by virtual slavery.

I have compassion towards animals and all living things. I don't like when people kill bugs and spiders that get into the house; I'll grab a piece of paper and scoop the little friends up and place them outside so they can live in peace, away from humans that want to squish them. I won't buy meat that isn't humane certified. I would rather pay several dollars extra knowing that the animal I'm about to consume got to live a good life than save a buck and know the animal was possibly driven insane by its terrible living conditions. I will take in any animal in danger and even if I can't keep it I will keep it safe and warm until I can find it a shelter or permanent home. I love my own pets and I take great care of them.

I have very strong opinions and ideals and I live up to them. I don't compromise my beliefs to make life easier for myself or others. The man I've chosen to spend my life with will always be my partner, never a husband. I don't care if I have to explain it every time I meet someone new and watch them realize I'm a little crazy - it's something that is important to me and I stick by it. A husband is the head of the household, a wife is subservient to her husband. Partners are equal. I know it's just a name to most people and I know many don't believe in the definitions of those words but I think that words have power and I want to know what words I am using.

I feel like such an idiot writing this. I don't like to flaunt my virtues and I don't like to put them out there for people to scoff at - not that I think people are that unkind, generally, it's just a fear I can't shake. But it's part of my journey so I'll do it. Just know that I was more comfortable writing about suicide than I am about this.

I am a good friend. I will always be there when a friend is in need and I will do whatever is within my power to help them through their tough times. I love being a good friend, actually. I get a kind of high from being able to really help someone (hence one of the main reasons for this blog: the chance to help someone). If a friend is sick I will bring them soup. I may not always make the soup, but I'll heat up a can of Cambells or pick something up from a local restaurant. If you're depressed or just feeling run down I will do whatever I can to help pick you back up. I never get tired of friends that need help, I don't feel overburdened by "needy" friends because I know I'm needy, too.

That brings me to my next one pretty nicely: I'm not a hypocrite. Or, I try very hard not to be a hypocrite and I think I've done a pretty decent job. I don't get mad at other people for things I do myself (or if I do get a burst of uncontrolled anger, I tamp it down right quick). I really try to live by the motto "treat others as you want to be treated." It's why I buy fair trade and humane certified items. I let people cut in front of me during traffic without making a fuss because maybe they didn't realize they were in the wrong lane or maybe they have someplace to be. If I catch myself doing something I find irritating when others do it, I stop. I'm not perfect at it, but it's a high priority in my life and I like that about myself.

I don't let anger hold on to me anymore. As a kid I had a lot of anger and held grudges as tightly as a drowning man holds a lifeline. But I realized when I was angry I was letting the people who made me mad have power over me. My mom taught me that. When you let your anger at someone else's actions dictate how you feel then you give that person so much power. I didn't enjoy being angry, it's a terrible, sickening feeling. Why would I want to let someone do that to me? So, when someone cuts me off in traffic I get upset but I tell myself to let it go and move on. Or if someone is rude or mean to me I let it roll off my shoulders and I try not to engage. If it's someone I have to deal with on a regular basis, or someone I care about, I will try and talk out the issue. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do get mad - one of the common symptoms of bipolar disorder is flash rages that I have no control over. But I swallow my pride and apologize after I've shrugged off the anger. I will apologize even if part of me thinks I wasn't wrong because, well, angry is almost always the wrong response.

I am having some serious anxiety trying to write this. My arms and hands actually feel shaky because I hate doing this so much. How many do I have now? Six? I wonder if six is enough...I'm not sure how this is supposed to help because it's making me absolutely miserable. But I'm supposed to learn to be my biggest supporter, go me! Except I'm much better at criticizing than I am at supporting. I'm trying to think of it like I'm talking to a friend who needs some an uplifting chat. What would I say to me if I wanted to point out my good qualities?

Having taken a few days break from this post I think I can come back and finish it up with one last thing I like about me, something I’m rather proud of: I’m doing what it takes to get better. I see my psychiatrist and therapist weekly, I write about my feelings, I do moderate exercise to help ease anxiety, I talk with friends and family, leaning on them for support. I write about the things I like about me even though I hate it. Does it make me a better supporter of myself? I’m not sure but I do know I feel pretty proud that I managed to write an entire blog post that’s mostly things I like about me. For how hard that is for me, I’m very proud that I managed to get so much in.

True, I didn’t go the full ten but that’s more because I don’t want this post to be even longer than it already is. Maybe I’ll share the remaining items I like next time. For now, I’ll sign off knowing I conquered the dreaded list and feel good about myself for it.