Not to Sound Ungrateful, But...

I’m tired of not being happy with my life. I have a good life. I have a great job with great benefits. I have good friends that I genuinely love and care about. I have great family that I get support and love from constantly. I have arguably the best partner I could ever ask for. I have great pets that make me smile. I have nice things. I have minimal debt that I’m close to paying off. I have everything.

Including this stupid disorder. Bipolar disorder completely ruins my ability to enjoy the wonderful things I have going in my life. I feel so completely ungrateful because I constantly read about people with bipolar disorder who have it so much worse off than I do and I can’t make myself feel better about my situation. Instead of thinking, “I’m so lucky” I think “I hate this and I don’t want this to be my life anymore.”

When can I finally stop whining? When can I stop complaining about poor, sad, bipolar me and start to relish in the wonderful good things I have going for me in my life. Consciously, I know how good I have it. But that doesn’t stop the rampant feelings of hatred that I feel for my life. That’s the bipolar disorder unchecked having its way with me.

Being bipolar is so stupid. It causes the worst things, and I don’t mean just for me. It causes me to be such an unbelievable pill for everyone else to deal with. I can have a perfectly lovely day that leaves me lethargic and mopey because “something feels wrong.” I feel off, like something isn’t right. Don’t know what it is, don’t know how I fix it. My brain is just telling my body that something is off and until it figures it out it’s going to make me anxious but sluggish and slow of thought.

I’m having a hard time writing something that flows smoothly and gets across a point I haven’t driven home a thousand times before. I feel like so much of my blog is repetition and I don’t know if that’s just because I think the same thoughts constantly so it feels repetitious to me or because I’m actually saying the same things I’ve already said. Ugh! This stupid bipolar brain is so fogged up and confused right now. I’m not even 100% sure what I’m saying anymore.

I know that I started this to say that I know I’m not unlucky. I know that I have every possible advantage on my side and I am grateful for those things. I am grateful for the thousands of ways my life is so much better than it could be. My life is filled with, for lack of a more secular word, blessings that I am thankful for everyday.

And yet I hate my life. I hate everything. I hate the sun in the sky and the grass underfoot. I hate everything that lives and breathes, I hate everything that is bereft of life. I hate colors and sounds and sensations. I hate it all. I should love everything and I hate it all so much it makes me want to scream. I see a smiling baby and I hate it so much I could spit. A cute dog trots past me and it makes my insides squirm with loathing. I hate. I should love everything and I hate it all.

That’s what I feel today. That’s what my life is. My privileged, first-world, first-rate life that so many people would give their left arms for and I hate it. Not every day, but today I do. Today I hate and I feel ashamed. I loathe with all my being and and it shames me to my core because there’s no reason. No reason except my stupid, crazy brain that needs to just shut up already.

Let me end by saying that this is because of my unchecked bipolar disorder while I wait for my medications to get to levels of full efficacy. I can hope for things to get much better within the next five to six weeks.