I hate transitioning between drugs. The Latuda had to be stopped after just a day because it made me feel foggy and a little feverish. Instead, I am on lithium 600mg to go with the Lamictal 25 mg. Unfortunately, those are both very small doses of their respective medications so my bipolar disorder is essentially like a dog on a very thin leash. It can hold on tentatively but if something excites the puppy named "bipolar disorder" it's going to break the lead and run rampant through the streets of my brain. That metaphor got weird...
Anyway, I was feeling anxious but thanks to Klonopin 0.5 mg I am feeling calmer, if not entirely well. I feel sleepy, which is an unfortunate side effect of the Klonopin. I mostly feel...bleh. Is that a feeling? If it's not currently one, I would like to nominate it for "feelinghood."
I feel like I'm rambling. I don't have the clearest thoughts right now. I'm not even sure what I want to say except that I want to be able to say "fine" when people ask how I am. I want to be fine. I want to be okay. I don't need to be great, I don't need to be awesome. I just want to be fine - mid-line would work just great right now.
But aside from wanting to be fine, I want to say I'm fine because I want to stop feeling like I'm whining all the time. Yes, I know I have a legitimate reason to feel bad, yes I know people understand that and believe me, I've received such overwhelming support. The support I've been shown, and from places I would never have expected, has kept me going when times are tough and really make life that much more liveable. I couldn't ask for a better support system.
However, I feel that, at some point, people get tired of it. Not that anyone has shown that - please don't get me wrong, people have been nothing but wonderful. But I think,it’s got to get annoying, tiresome. It’s tiresome to me!
I’m having a really hard time concentrating because the bipolar puppy has gone off the leash and is rampaging across the land. I feel twitchy, fluttery. It’s this nervous energy that makes my thoughts flit by too fast and my brain too slow to catch them. My fingers want to type words I haven’t even thought out yet. It’s a surreal feeling.
I should probably take a Klonopin again (it’s been several hours since I started writing this, ergo several hours since my last Klonopin) but I hate having to take it. I hate being reliant on a benzo, the “scary” meds. Those are the medications that can really mess you up if you let them. And I’m determined to not let them. My psychiatrist tells me to it’s okay to take it and I’m not going to become an addict and I try to listen to him. I’m not trying to be thick-skulled, it’s just this gut reaction. Taking the Klonopin feels like cheating, somehow.
So, I tried coloring.That worked for all of ten minutes. I tried watching a movie and that went okay but I was still under the influence of the earlier Klonopin. I’m trying to blog and I think it’s turning out to be a mess. What am I even talking about? This blog has no point, no purpose! I’m just free thinking because my brain is running at 100 miles per hour and I can’t get it to stop.
Okay, think. What was all this about? Does it matter? My brain is a thunderstorm and my legs are shaking like I’ve had thirteen cups of coffee. Does it matter than I spell out the numbers instead of use the numerals? I remember from English that for numbers less than ten you’re supposed to spell them but you can use the numerals over ten. But I tend to type them. Why is that important? It’s not, it’s possibly the least relevant thing ever - but that’s all I can think to say.
Woah, I think I should stop this post because if it turns into a free thinking marathon while I’m like this the rabbit hole is going to get twisted and weird really quick.
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